Saturday, January 21, 2017

Johnnie Walker

Let me give you the rundown on this Johnnie Walker character. If someone mentions Johnnie Walker to you, it's very important that you ascertain a certain piece of information: the color of Johnnie Walker's label. The label is everything. As for Johnnie Walker himself, he's a guy who ranges from being the President to being a hobo. You don't know which Johnnie Walker he is, until you examine his label.

The best label is blue. Johnnie Walker Blue Label. That's serious stuff. It's mature, it's expensive, and it's accompanied by a silk-lined box as well as a certificate of authenticity and also a phone call and a text message congratulating you for drinking Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

Then there's Johnnie Walker Gold Label. It's the one that's not quite blue. Gold ranks below blue according to Johnnie Walker. Back in 1849, when everyone was in San Francisco mining for gold, Johnnie said, "I'm going to Flint, Michigan to mine for blue. Forget gold! Blue is more valuable!"

Anyways, next on the list is Johnnie Walker Green Label, which is technically the middle brand, but is actually the one that'll make people wonder what's wrong with you. Because no one's even heard of Green Label. You tell someone, "You want me to pour you a shot Johnnie Walker Green Label?" "Uh. I didn't know Johnnie Walker made a Green Label." "Very, very few people know that. As a matter of fact, I'm the only one who knows about Green Label. And I want to keep it that way. Which means that now, I'm going to have to kill you."

Next up is Black Label--the basic Johnnie Walker variety. No commentary necessary.

After that is Red Label, which is something you're not allowed to drink unless you mix it with something else. If a whisky connoisseur sees you drinking Red Label straight up, he has the legal right to pour the rest of the bottle down your shirt.

So that's Red Label. After that is Spork Label. Spork isn't really a color so much as it is a plastic utensil. Johnnie Walker Spork Label costs $1.73 a bottle. Only it isn't really a bottle so much as it is a paper cup that Johnnie Walker stole from 7-11. Also, some people think that Johnnie Walker Spork Label doesn't really fall under the category of whiskey. They think that, because the drink is made by mixing wood alcohol with expired Pineapple Shasta.

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