Wednesday, May 24, 2017


Hollywood is a place where two big hits can take you from intern to executive, and one flop can take you from executive to the guy who polishes Steven Spielberg's dental floss. So people in the industry usually play it safe by making James Bond or Batman sequels.

Saturday, February 11, 2017


Reggae is a musical genre that's a a little too focused on two themes. Namely, Jamaica and ganja. It's like reggae musicians are always intent on proving that they like those two things. Every day Damien Marley gets up and thinks, "People need to know. People need to know that I'm still pro-marijuana and pro-Jamaica. I should write another song about those topics, and add it to the 432 songs I've already written about them."


Have you ever watched two people playing Scrabble? They take that game way too seriously. They always act like they're engaged in a battle for world domination. Uh. Buddy. Lighten up. You're playing a game whose main objective it to spell the words
quizzify and oxyphenbutazone.

Scrabble is somewhat ridiculous game. But I will say this. It's s tougher game than it seems. You're always salivating over the possibility of using a Q or an X on a triple letter and triple word score. But what you usually end up doing is spelling one of two words: it or at. Scrabble is just a nonstop flood of its and ats--and then every once in a while, you spell ox. And you look at your opponent and say, "Yeah! Take that, bro! I saw the O, and I was smart enough to put an X there!"

Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick became head coach of the Patriots in 2000. That year, they finished 5-11. Since then, they've had 16 straight winning seasons, including five Super Bowl wins! As far as I'm concerned, that means Coach Belichick should be the most arrogant and condescending person in the world. I actually get annoyed when he shakes the hand of an opposing coach after a game. He should punch that coach in the face.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Supermarket Sales

Supermarkets put stuff on sale. You go into a supermarket intending to buy Cheerios. And then Safeway is like, "No. That's not gonna happen. You're gonna buy Special K." "Says who?" "Says the fact that Special K is on sale at three boxes for $8, and Cheerios is $27.99. And that's with a club card. Without a club card, a box of Cheerios is $300." Keep in mind that Safeway does this for no reason at all. It's not a marketing strategy. How is that a marketing strategy? It's clearly a stupidity strategy. It accomplishes nothing, aside from making you, me, and Safeway much way more stupider. is a site where you always come across a review that says, "If I could give this 0 stars, I would." Every single Amazon reviewer has left at least four reviews that say, "If I could give this 0 stars, I would." When they're writing a review, Amazon asks them, "How would you rate this book, on a scale of 1 to 5 stars?" And the reviewer thinks, "Who the hell are you to demand a minimum of 1 star?! 1 star implies that I don't hate this book with every fiber of my being. 0 stars!"

Amazon is also the number one retailer on the internet. They do over $100 billion a year in sales. People shop at Amazon because it's convenient. But on the other hand, sometimes you go to Amazon to buy something like a printer, and it takes you three and a half hours to figure out which printer you should buy, because there are 387 options in your price range, and when you browse through the reviews, every printer has some reviews that are all like, "If I could give this printer 0 stars, I would. You better not buy this piece of garbage printer. If you do, I'll come to your house and kick your ass."

People also shop at Amazon because most of the prices are good. On the other hand, a lot of the items that cost $3.99 to $8.99 at Amazon can also be found at your local 99 Cent Store. And guess how much those items cost at the 99 Cent Store? 99 Cents. And sometimes you can find the same item on eBay for about the same price, postpaid. Which is very confusing. If you want an HDMI cable, you can buy one on Amazon for $6, you can buy one at the 99 Cent Store for 99 cents, and there's some dude on eBay who will send you eight of them from Taiwan for $1.33 total. How is the eBay guy not losing money on that deal?

Pro Wrestling

Pro wrestling is a sport where the actual sport is not enough. The wrestlers don't just wrestle each other. There's a backstory about how John Cena's wife slept with Triple H's gardener, and The Rock's identical twin brother Cornelius cheated at ping pong against Stone Cold Steve Austin. In other words, the WWE is a lot like a soap opera. A soap opera for men. Basically, here's what it comes down to. Men love soap operas--as long as the women in the soap opera are half naked, and the men are beating each other senseless 95% of the time. Men like any program that fits that description. If The View and General Hospital and Sesame Street had way more fighting and way more half naked women, millions of men would watch those shows, too.

The State of the Union Address

Every year, the President delivers something known as a State of the Union Address. He says something like, "The economy is robust and thriving, and robustly thriving, and it's really thriving in a very robust manner, and I'd even say it's a thrivingly robust economy. And if there are any segments of the economy that aren't robust and thriving, they will be soon, as long as those idiots in the other party let me pass the laws that I want to pass. I'm really smart, and they're really dumb." Then the next day, the other party issues a rebuttal, where someone tells us, "Everything the President says was complete and total bullshit, and it's pretty obvious he's a damn moron."

Legal Disputes

When there's a legal dispute, both sides start off by trying to compromise and avoid going to court. One side is all like, "I want $5 million." And the other side says, "I'll give you $4 million, and not a penny more." And then both sides are like, "OK, let's go to court motherfucker." And then each side spends $7 million on lawyers.

The Boston Tea Party, Declaration of Independence, and United States Consitution

A few hundred years ago, the British told America, "Give us money." Later, America said, "No." And they dumped some tea in a harbor, and then in 1776, they told the British, "We declare independence. This is America! Fuck off! Sincerely, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Hancock, Gilligan, and the Skipper too." The British got that Declaration of Independence, and they sent back a letter that said, "Firstly, we'd like to compliment Mr. Hancock on his impressive penmanship. We especially enjoyed the swirly business at the end of his K. And secondly, let us point out that we're Great Britain. We're great. Are you guys great? Are you Great America? No. You're just America. Therefore, we refuse to fuck off. Now give us our cash and get back to work." Then the colonies won the Revolutionary War and passed the Constitution. It says, "This is America! Alright? No king and queen bullshit. In America, we go with the people's bullshit--a.k.a. democracy. Furthermore--Executive, Legislative, Judicial. And furthermore, the amendments. Which are, Americans have the right to say stuff, not say stuff, vote for stuff, keep their stuff, and shoot some stuff. And also drink stuff."

Johnnie Walker

Let me give you the rundown on this Johnnie Walker character. If someone mentions Johnnie Walker to you, it's very important that you ascertain a certain piece of information: the color of Johnnie Walker's label. The label is everything. As for Johnnie Walker himself, he's a guy who ranges from being the President to being a hobo. You don't know which Johnnie Walker he is, until you examine his label.

The best label is blue. Johnnie Walker Blue Label. That's serious stuff. It's mature, it's expensive, and it's accompanied by a silk-lined box as well as a certificate of authenticity and also a phone call and a text message congratulating you for drinking Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

Then there's Johnnie Walker Gold Label. It's the one that's not quite blue. Gold ranks below blue according to Johnnie Walker. Back in 1849, when everyone was in San Francisco mining for gold, Johnnie said, "I'm going to Flint, Michigan to mine for blue. Forget gold! Blue is more valuable!"

Anyways, next on the list is Johnnie Walker Green Label, which is technically the middle brand, but is actually the one that'll make people wonder what's wrong with you. Because no one's even heard of Green Label. You tell someone, "You want me to pour you a shot Johnnie Walker Green Label?" "Uh. I didn't know Johnnie Walker made a Green Label." "Very, very few people know that. As a matter of fact, I'm the only one who knows about Green Label. And I want to keep it that way. Which means that now, I'm going to have to kill you."

Next up is Black Label--the basic Johnnie Walker variety. No commentary necessary.

After that is Red Label, which is something you're not allowed to drink unless you mix it with something else. If a whisky connoisseur sees you drinking Red Label straight up, he has the legal right to pour the rest of the bottle down your shirt.

So that's Red Label. After that is Spork Label. Spork isn't really a color so much as it is a plastic utensil. Johnnie Walker Spork Label costs $1.73 a bottle. Only it isn't really a bottle so much as it is a paper cup that Johnnie Walker stole from 7-11. Also, some people think that Johnnie Walker Spork Label doesn't really fall under the category of whiskey. They think that, because the drink is made by mixing wood alcohol with expired Pineapple Shasta.


Molf is the least popular sport in the world. It's a lot like golf--except after you hit the ball, you have to insult another player's mother. The mother-insulting is actually the main thing. It doesn't really matter if you hit the ball in a hole, or in sand, or you miss the ball--as long as right after that, you turn to someone else and say, "Yo mamma's so black, every time she gets in a car, the check oil light comes on." You don't even need a golf course. You can play it in the middle of Compton. Just hit a ball towards Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, and then turn to a guy in dreadlocks and say, "Yo mamma's so fat and black, she looks like a burnt marshmallow." That's the molf version of a hole-in-one.